I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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