he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
