Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
