The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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