This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
