my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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