i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
