made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
