I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
