He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
