rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
