thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
