I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me