I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.