Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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