my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!