You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
