I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
