I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
