4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Houston, we have a blender
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
