i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
