I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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