I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
