Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
