So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
