Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
