how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
