My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
