I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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