She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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