if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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