so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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