i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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