As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
