Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
