she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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