i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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