Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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