Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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