alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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