I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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