thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
