This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
