I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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