I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
