you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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