One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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