Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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