I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
