if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
