I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
