I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
