Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
