life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
