he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
