This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
did i just pee glitter
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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