His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
