While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
