Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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