um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
