Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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