i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Two words: blizzard sex
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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